finding myself again

Good heavens--I fell into the holidays and never came out.

Actually, that's truer than I probably realize. I haven't taken time to write in months. I'm sure as things got busier, and winter's shroud covered the daily sunshine, writing was the first to go. It went with all the other "extras" that fill in the cracks of time in my life. But how did it get to be February? And why am I mired in this gray cloud?

I know some of it is the time of year. I don't do winter well. Never have. Some years are worse than others, depending on outside forces as well as natural rythms. The outside forces of winter 2011 are, frankly, rather sucky.

I am a child in the sandwich generation. I guess that means I am in the bologna and cheese of my life. On one side, I have the parents. That's not going well. And I am far enough away to be helpless, but close enough to feel guilty that I'm not traveling I-75 even more than I do. I am so grateful for my brothers and my SIL who take on so much every day. Dad is getting good care, even though the decline is difficult to watch. Mom is struggling, but relieved of the caregiver role she can at least focus her energies on her own health. It is just a case of "screw the Golden Years" and none of us wanted it to progress this way.

On the other side, there are my littles. Not so little anymore, they are making big people decisions, and the time is flying by: College choices, scholarships, housing, career plans. In a few short months I will pack yet another of my dear ones off to Louisville. She'll be excited, challenged, thrilled with her newfound freedoms and friends, and I am so excited to see her getting ready to stretch her wings. But when she flies, a large piece of my heart flies with her. I already feel the emptiness.

I'll most likely have two starting high school next year. One will be able to nurture his love for music ministry and will have opportunities to experience music in places I only dream about. He will also have to be ready for the challenge of high school outside the sheltered school environment he has known so far. AS Dorothy would say "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." I think he will thrive in a place where diversity means more than different hair color, but it will be a new world with plenty to distract him. The youngest will finally see what educational challenge really means. No more coasting along in her own little world, she will need to step up and pull herself together. It will be good for her, but also a terrific life change.

All this is enough. But just for fun, let's throw in a puppy who snuggled himself right into my heart for a few weeks when I was most vulnerable, then went on to a forever home leaving an already fractured heart much the worse for wear. He had just enough medical crises while here to keep stress levels at an all-time high, and now that he is gone, he just leaves us all a bit bewildered and sad. We know he will be loved, and never lonely, and we will see him from time to time, all good things. I just miss the little furry ball of energy!

Life is hard. There is pain. One can realize that others have things much, much worse in life, but that does not take the heartache out of one's own experience every day. I pray, and often fail to pray, and am grateful for the belief that God knows the needs at my lowest and my highest. Some days it's all I can do to take the next step, and I know he'll hold me up whether or not I remember to ask. But I long to see the sun return, figuratively and literally, in my life. I need the light.

Please help me I'm falling....

..into the Holidays!!!

I am one of the anti-Christmas rebels. I will not think about, shop for, or otherwise plan Christmas until after Thanksgiving. I detest the sudden forests of metallic decorated trees in retail centers across the nation--in September. I abhor the radio stations which switch to holiday music on November 1st ("Because Christmas should mean a little more!" SPARE ME!). I leave my mums, pumpkins, and corn stalks in my garden long past Veteran's Day--and refuse to string lights on my bushes until December. I don't care how much warmer it is three weeks earlier.

but wait.

Imagine my surprise at finding myself poring over cookie recipes, planning my shopping excursions, thinking about holiday decor, digging out teh ADvent books adn candles, even looking at travel plans; all in the single-digit days of November. What is wrong with me???? Who stifled my Scrooge? Who reformed my Grinch? What sinister plot has been set in motion to prevent me from my 5-days-before-Christmas annual holiday meltdown?

Don't get me wrong--I have not actually ACCOMPLISHED any holiday-related tasks as yet. It's going to take a lot more than just a whimsical sugarplum or two dancing through my head to push me that far in the other directions. But even so, this is a major divergence from normal. Perhaps I am having a personal Epiphany. Maybe this is a sign that I have evolved to the level of Martha Stewart readiness, by-passing the frantic hype and moving toward self-actualized holiday enlightenment. Maybe this is the year I find myself able to experience Advent as a journey to the celebration of God's most blessed gift to man--a Savior for us all.

'Tis the season! After all, the whole thing started with a miracle, didn't it?

Every family has one, don't they?

Most of you know I have four children: the loves of my life, a delightful mix of their father and me. Each has his/her own special talents and gifts, quirks of personality which make them stand apart from the others.

Occasionally, however, a quirk becomes a totally confounding issue, and I suddenly find myself out of parenting ideas. This has been the week. What do you do when you don't know what to do? My prayers have thus far been met with resounding silence. I admit to being slightly hard of hearing, having failed miserably in transcending elementary prayer to achieve subliminal enlightenment with the creator. God has not yet positioned in front of my eyes the flashing, neon, directional child-rearing map I seek. I'm waiting....

How can one sweet, charming, intelligent young lad suddenly create a maelstrom of grades, detentions, meltdowns--while remaining sweet and charming (well, most of the time)? I can sit with him and see that he gets the concepts, and understands the theories, so where are we losing it?

There will be meetings with teachers, counselors, administrators. We will throw around ideas, talk about important concepts like individualized education, differentiated learning methods, personal growth plans. I know the school wants him to succeed as much as we do, so we're all on the same team. My child will continue to assert that the teacher doesn't like him (his words are much stronger). I will continue to let him know that he is infinitely lovable. If this particular teacher does not click with him, what a tremendous loss for her--but homework must be done, tests must be passed. I have no doubt we will be able to turn him around, because this is one smart kid.

But Lord, if you could hurry up with that neon missive, I would greatly appreciate it!

Life is fragile, handle with prayer

My life did not flash before my eyes. The words I spoke were not "Hail Mary" or "God save us." In fact, my children tell me they knew something was wrong simply because of of my tone when uttering the profound "Oh, shit!" Apparently that is a common harbinger of bad situations in my household. I should probably work on that.

I had a few seconds in which to watch the car behind me smash into the rear of my car. There were no squealing tires, no honking, no last-minute attempts to swerve. I was a sitting duck, and she didn't even slow down. There was a sudden jolt, the crashing of glass, and then the frantic voices of the five children in the back of my car. I can say with assurance when God reaches down and wraps a protective arm around a car full of precious cargo, He does not loudly announce Himself. But there is no doubt that He was right there in the midst of the chaos. He was in the face of the first person I saw when I looked up--blessedly the familiar face of Traci, another mom from school, and the two men who helped to get our front doors open. He was in the face of the nurse who helped me herd the kids out of the car to safety, of the EMT'S, the medics, the police officers, the ambulance drivers, and the many people who came to help not only me and my kids, but the driver of the other car and her baby. He was always there, and will always be there, even if I say "Oh, shit!" instead of something more reverent.

As far as I know, all involved were relatively unhurt. We kept a few squads busy in the minutes following the accident, but all my passengers were home and doing fine by bedtime. I pray the mother and baby from the other car did as well. That is the important part.

We returned to the car last night to retrieve personal effects. Not pretty. It absorbed the impact well--bless you, Toyota!--without passing it on the the passengers. The lift gate is a sad shadow if its former self, the window blown outward, the side panels buckled forward. The front end of the other car, now sitting right there in the same lot, fit completely and squarely into mine, and came out looking a lot the worse for it. We were all very fortunate.

I am amazed at how fuzzy my recollection is of the whole accident. It's funny how little details stick out, but nothing quite fits together. I like to think I keep my head in a crisis, but I probably overestimate my ability to stay level when my kids and my riders are personally involved. So to all the people who stopped to render aid, thank you. To the medical and professional personnel who were there in a heartbeat sorting everything out, thank you. To the compassionate nurse who stayed with me and the children, bless you for being the calm in a storm.

Saying thank you to God seems woefully inadequate, and we've been doing quite a lot of that lately. But thanks and praise are all I have, and that is enough.

Anniversary musings.

Today Chad and I celebrate 21 years of wedded bliss. Any married couple will tell you that even the most blissful of marriages is not always butterflies and rose petals, right? But it isn't about the destination, it's about the journey--and a journey without twists, turns, and detours is nothing but a boring highway drive. I much prefer to stand side-by-side, knowing I face whatever comes along not alone, but with the man God chose for me. Happy Anniversary, Chad. You will always be the best husby there.

People commonly say "Where did the time go?" when referring to the passing of years. I am having a bit of trouble wrapping my mind around 21 years, probably because my mind is still clinging to being 29 years old (my roots, wrinkles, knees, back, and all those parts affected by gravitational pull are significantly more realistic, but I've never been able to control my mind). But I can look around me now and tell you where the time went. The time went to building a marriage, building a family, building a life. Fours kids, three houses, two dogs, countless cars, five jobs, several schools, a few graduations, tuition payments and many, many friends later, the journey still continues and time marches on! There have been great successes, and epic failures. There has been laughter, joy, disappointment and sorrow. We have made good decisions and bad decisions. We've clung to what's important while struggling to see past the roadblocks to what lies ahead.

I would not want to go back and do it again. There are regrettable choices, but changing those would change the outcomes which shaped where we are today. I would not trade one moment of the last 21 years for a promise of smoother sailing. This is the path God guided us on, with all its pitfalls, and I rest secure that He has it all under control. I am grateful every day that, even when the steamroller of life is wreaking havoc on my wedded bliss, the man holding my hand is absolutely perfect for me. He is all that I am not, calm to my chaos, dark to my light, sun to my moon. Together, we are a team to be reckoned with, bound together by a love which grows deeper with each shared day. God knows what's going to be thrown at us, so he gave us each the perfect complement to deflect the bad and embrace the good.

My thanks to Rich Mullins for one of my favorite songs, which sums it up very well.

Doubly Good To You

If you see the sun rising gently on your fields
If the wind blows softly on your face
If the sunset lingers while cathedral bells peal
and the moon has risen to her place

You can thank the Father for the things that He has done
And thank Him for the things He's yet to do
And if you find a love that's tender, if you find someone who's true,
Thank the Lord, He's been doubly good to you

If you look in the mirror at the end of a hard day
and you know in your heart you have not lied
and If you gave love freely, if you earned an honest wage
And if you've got Jesus by your side

You can thank the Father for the things that He has done
And thank Him for the things He's yet to do
And if you find a love that's tender, if you find someone who's true,
Thank the lord, He's been doubly good to you.

Too much of a good thing

Have you ever heard the saying "You can't have too much of a good thing"? I've been pondering that thought this morning. Try putting together a definition of "too much" and "good" and see what you get.

It all started on Sunday when I wanted to wear a top I had recently purchased. I remember seeing the bag in my bedroom. I don't remember ever taking the top out of the bag, but I am certainly not foolish enough to trust my memory. This is the same system which allows me to call my children by a label sounding something like "Erikbeccawillflitwhoeveryouare!!!" At any rate, I started what I thought would be a simple search of the likely landing spots in my room. Three days later, I have yet to find that piece of clothing, but I have unearthed a ridiculous amount of everything else!

Books are good. We want to encourage our children to read. Everyone in our house enjoys relaxing with a good book. Chad, in fact, relaxes with good, bad, ugly and completely pointless books on a regular basis. His $5/bag Library sale finds yield both treasures and crap, in about even measure. But we have read them, and they're still here. On the nightstand, on the dresser, on the shelves. Sure, a few are worth keeping, but how many will I ever read again?

Socks. Necessary, functional, good clothing. We all have socks. I have a dozen or more pairs, some for work, some casual. The kids have various cute and funky socks, others for hiking or sports. And then, on top of my dresser, is the sock basket from hell. This is where all the rejected, dejected, disenfranchised socks end up. I do not know where they go. I think they are swallowed by the washer, or the dryer, or the corners and closets of the rooms from which they originate. But I cling to the survivors, thinking surely their mates will come eventually in one of those happy-ending reunions played out between the soldier and the ever-faithful lover who believed in his return.

shoes. shoes are good. I have shoes from the Eisenhower administration. THAT is not good. I wasn't even born during the Eisenhower administration. They need to go.

Suitcases. And I include duffel bags in this collection. I keep these under my bed. Entire generatiosn of dust bunnies have taken their yearly holiday greeting card pictures in my carpetbag collection which rarely moves. We have a couple faves, and the rest just take up space. I actually have a suitcase full of duffel bags. How crazy is that? Why do I have them?

I could go on, but you get the idea. The idea of wading through everything I've unearthed is absolutely exhausting. It's one of those task which will send couds of dust flying. It will require boxes, and decisions, and an inordinate amount of time I rarely have in lump supply. I know even when I finish this room, I have only to go to the next to find the same situation. Then there is the question of what to do with said boxes once they are full and ready to be heaved. Why would anyone want all this stuff I once considered good, and came to realize is more hindrance than help?

Sigh. I just want my top. Where the heck did I put that thing?

Harvest Time

There is something about September. The days, no matter how hot, take on a different hue. The sun is at a new angle, hinting at the cooler air to come, and the sky is a sparkling blue. Even clouds have more personality, more texture. It is a month of random clothing changes. The morning jeans and sweatshirts quickly give way to summer's comfort as the sun warms the day to remind us it is still summer. Let the sun go down, though, and suddenly Friday night football games, bonfires, and hot tea are perfectly acceptable.

The calendar pushes past Labor Day, the kids are well settled back in school, and the morning mist takes on the crispness and clarity which speaks to something in my heart. I hear the call of a bountiful harvest, and feel a need to savor the earth's abundance by "putting up" for the long, cold months ahead. On Thursday, the pull to the Farmer's Market was strong enough to override everything else on my to-do list, and I found myself wandering from one tent to the next, discussing the merits of Roma's, Beefsteaks, and Pink Posy heirlooms, sampling the tart sweetness of a Damson plum, delighting in the velvet fuzz on the perfect southern peach. There were peppers, still a few zucchini and yellow squash, and just the beginnings of field squash, pumpkins, and the first crunchy apples of the season. I came home with boxes and baskets and bags, my mind delighting in the plans for salsas and sauces, jams and jellies, relishes and sweet baked treats. My heart was lighter, anticipating the sparkling rows of jars, the sun catching the jewel-toned treats and sending their rainbow prisms dancing onto the walls like fairies in a grand parade.

The annual rite of preserving and canning used to be one of necessity for those whose toil was the only way to nourish a family through a harsh winter. Now, we have modern manufacturing to bring almost any food from farm to processing to table. Sure, I can run to Kroger on any cold, gray January day and find shelf after shelf of tomatoes, or beans, or pears. But when I take a Mason jar from my pantry shelf, and pop the seal on the labor of love from my own kitchen, I not only get the fresh taste of a Kentucky summer, but I think a whole lot of harvest sunshine drifts out of that jar and right back into my heart.