Bathing Suits and abject fear

Going to the beach for spring break.

It is the classic vacation, revered by young and old alike. The weather in Ft Myers should be perfect! Grab my sandals, my sunscreen, my shorts (eek!) and t-shirts (yikes), throw on my bathing suit...

GGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Dear Lord, how could this happen? I leave in 2 weeks? I have to put on a bathing suit in 2 weeks????? OK, clearly this has not been well thought out. Could we, perhaps, look at an Alaskan vacation? At the very least, I hear London is persistently rainy in April, requiring long coats of the trench variety. But really-sunshine? heat? tanning? What was I thinking?

First, the swimsuit I own has seen a couple seasons. That means at any moment, there could be an errant strand of Lycra which, with one false move, could spring loose and cause a serious wardrobe malfunction. Those fibers were designed to hold several things in places to which gravity has long denied them orientation. One frightening loss of structural integrity could prove hazardous to bystanders.

Second, my bathing suit is black and white. Stray just a bit too far from shore and harpoons become a significant threat. Short of finding a bathing cap (and really, who wears those?) with a 5-foot safely flag attached, I could easily be mistaken for Shamu's much younger, curvier, but no less buoyant, sister. Nope, black and white will not do.

Lastly, my bathing suit lacks fabric. This season, I am opting for the height of new fashion. No slave to the ugly, skimpy, way too tacky styles--I am opting for a groundbreaking fashion statement! No more will I bow to the voyeuristic whims of the Budweiser-slugging, taco-belching demographic whose lecherous fixation feeds on the insecurities of women in lounge chairs. No more will I worry about the extreme exposition of skin and areas better left to the imagination than to the harsh UV rays of the sun.

This year, I am committed to the resurrection of a more genteel era. A time when modesty was valued over enhancement. A time when alabaster skin was admired, and tanning was something which happened to those unfortunate enough to have to leave the shaded porch of the estate and its cool pitchers of iced tea, and venture into the fields in the heat of the day. Think Victorian Age. Think early 1900's. I am in search of the perfect combination of jaunty nautical stripes (vertical, of course) and full ankle to neck coverage. I want layers! Long bloomers, full sleeves, pinafores! And no flimsy fabric for me. Lets go for a full control jersey knit, or perhaps a nice summer-weight worsted wool. Sure, if I venture into the water the very weight of my bathing costume would likely drag me down like a stone, but that is a small price to pay for trend-setting modesty, don't you think?